It's the little things.

There are strides of independence that it is surprisingly easy to forget. Coming home and cooking a legit dinner tonight... with my steak and fetucine alfredo finishing at the same time... it felt really good, really powerful, and really me.

From The Top Of The First Page

I just wanted to stop and take a moment to look back, because, while tonight has been a wonderful night, it's important for me to pause and remember where I was 2 years ago, arguably one of the lowest points of my life. This period, the end of February 2009, was in so many ways one of the hardest points for me. I lost my job, moved to a new city, broke up with my boyfriend and then lost my grandpa, one of the most important people in my life, all within the span of a few weeks.

Two years later, I write this as proof that there is light on the other side of the tunnel. I still look back on the moment when I met Roy at Caesar's in the pouring rain as one of the turning points -- the first sign of someone offering me a hand to pull me through the darkness. And I'm so grateful for my friends and my family. I know I've put some of them through a lot, but I really appreciate them being there for me and showing me the support and love that they have given.

At the same time though, the thing in the end that is both different and the same is me. I am in some ways the same person that I was. I find "ambitious" is the new "driven," and I'm still that driven/ambitious, bright, talented, smart, caring, passionate individual that I have always been. But my confidence has grown as I've realized that I can be independent. I have planted my feet firmly on the ground and they're not going anywhere. And I have an amazing life that I am thankful for every day that I have worked hard to achieve for myself.

I don't want to jinx anything or put additional pressure on myself to live up to any ideal. However, I do think that there is some truth to the characterization of us as strong Harvard women. We are a particular kind of human being. And we have a strength that sometimes even we forget we possess. Yet at the end of the day, it's that strength that pulls us through. I don't know if I'll ever forget the dark place I was in, but I suppose we all have baggage. I just keep going.

On Happiness

Do I really deserve to be happy? Do I actually get to be one of those people who has what they want in life and am happy with my life?

"Time is Fleeting. Madness Takes Its Toll"

Life's been pretty good recently, so why do I feel like I'm just bracing myself for things to get worse? Trying to focus on savoring the happiness... :)

Resolving to Change the Things I Cannot Change

I have a letter from my high school lacrosse coach that I keep next to my bed and read from time to time. It's a copy of the recommendation letter he sent to Harvard. In it, he says that I will never let anyone down, disappoint or embarrass them. But the more I think about it, the more I sometimes wonder whether that's really true.

I feel like I've lived my life trying to live up to other people's expectations. Only recently did I add in my own. And yes, I may be one of the most driven people others say they've ever met, but for what? And to what? And at what point do I have to say no, I'll just get in my own way?

I don't think you can change everything about a person. I think there are some things inherent that can't be changed. But when they're flaws and weaknesses and make you stand out, what then? I refuse to believe that I'm condemned for lack of perfection-- that the things I am afraid of or know to be weaknesses are curses that doom me to a certain existence or future. But if everything isn't malleable... then I wonder how to change my fate.

And in a way, I then wish I could be like all those other people who fit in and don't stand out. The normal ones, the popular ones.

But that never was me, and moving forward, I'm not sure if it ever could be.

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

As I reflect on life, I find myself coming to the same conclusion over and over again-- that friends are really one of the most important things in the world. Whenever anything else goes wrong in life, be it work, love, or family, they're the ones who are there for you and who love you no matter what-- like family, but a vast extensive network. It's something I find that I remind myself of often-- partly because I think I'm still in disbelief that it's really true, and partly because, when life gets tough, friends keep you going.

A Manifesto, Of Sorts

Contrary to what some people may think, I am distinctly not perfect. I have had knee, ankle, and heart problems, all by the time I was 20. I've struggled with my anxiety for years, though I'm learning to accept it as a part of me. I never went to public school, always had my house cleaned by our cleaning lady (Violet, then Anna), and have freckles and the occasional breakout. My hair takes around 24 hours to dry when wet, and while I own lots of makeup and I guess could spend a lot of time on my appearance, it's not something I choose to focus on. I'd rather sleep late than get up early to get ready. I've been collecting baseball cards since I was 5, and used to work backstage at rock concerts. In 7th grade, I befriended one of the deans for life after talking about the NCAA tournament with him for over an hour (and the respective strengths of UCONN vs UMASS vs Kentucky). My first time operating a light board was in the 5th grade. At one point, I'd also seen nearly every show playing on Broadway, and my family has season tickets to the Giants. Also in 5th grade, my dad yelled at me for getting an 86 on a science test. I graduated with honors and was nominated for the Hoopes Prize from Harvard, but I could've done better if I had really focused on academics. I was never a part of any sorority, and I don't think I've ever had a truly healthy relationship. I've been cheated on more times than I care to count, on top of everything else.

But these pieces, amongst others, all make up me. While I try not to talk about them and often pretend that they aren't there to the outside world, they are distinctly a part of who I am. In the end, I don't think all the little details matter. It's more "take me as I am or leave me." There are things in my life that I can't change and that I never had any control over. I just believe that the pieces all were put together to bring me to this point and to bring me to whatever comes next.

At the same time, when I look at the past, the details explain a lot of what has become the present. I = a combination of all the little things. A lot of them definitely left a mark. I just hope you can accept me in spite of some of the "flaws" or the ideosyncracies. I am unique, even when I try to be like everybody else. The quote, "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? " crosses my mind. All I want is acceptance. But if I can't get that, then at least I need to accept myself and continue to put the real complete me out there. And hope that's enough for you.