Thursday, February 26, 2009

Paving Paradise

I find it crazy how fast things can turn around. The city has equaled love in so many ways, and I have not felt this exhilarated and excited about life in a long while. The freedom in footsteps and the ability to move freely cannot be underestimated. I never realized how much I missed walking until I couldn't... and now that I can, I will never take it for granted again. Yay paradise. Boo parking lot.

On the other hand, after thinking life couldn't get any better and living on Cloud 9, in the last 24 hours, I have lost two of the four most important men in my life. I find their views on life similar as is the way that they question me and force me to defend my opinions. They both push me to be a better person, live up to my potential, and to try to take over the world in a way that the other two do not. In a way that no one else does. When I succeed, they are proud and tell me they knew I could do it the whole time. They never accept failure-- just give me the feedback I need to change things and make it better. I never realized how much one reminded me of the other. I can't believe I need to say goodbye to both so soon, so suddenly, and together. I still try to hold out some hope that I won't have to. People like that are irreplaceable and invaluable.

Life post college has posed so many challenges, sometimes I wish for the safety of the ivory gates. Then I look beyond and think about how much I am interacting with the world and existing on a bigger playing field... and that's a pretty great feeling.

In other news, I saw a woman shoveling rain today. I have never seen that before.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Excitement on the Night Before...

I had an epiphany this evening, but I'm not sure what it means. I'm sitting here waiting to begin my next adventure, and I feel excited and ready to embrace my independence for one of the first times in a very long time. I thought about what caused this breakthrough of self-discovery and confidence, and I wonder if it is the fact that I feel very alone and separated from my family and many of the other people in my life. I think that when you know you don't have a shoulder to go to at all times, you need to approach problems differently- they truly become your own. The last few days have been filled with such adrenaline. Yes there is anxiety; I am tense in ways I have not been for a long time, and I can't keep up with my appetite. However, there is also a lot of excitement. I am finally taking control of my life again. The things I wanted are about to be back in my reach. I'm not STUCK anymore! It's the most amazing feeling of freedom combined with expectation. As much as I want a hug and want love and support right now, I also want to keep moving. I can't wait for what tomorrow has in store.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

On Fear...

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." -Dune(?)