Wanderings of a Harvard Graduate

It's the little things.

2011-06-06T22:17:00.000-07:00

There are strides of independence that it is surprisingly easy to forget. Coming home and cooking a legit dinner tonight... with my steak and fetucine alfredo finishing at the same time... it felt really good, really powerful, and really me.

From The Top Of The First Page

2011-02-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to stop and take a moment to look back, because, while tonight has been a wonderful night, it's important for me to pause and remember where I was 2 years ago, arguably one of the lowest points of my life. This period, the end of February 2009, was in so many ways one of the hardest points for me. I lost my job, moved to a new city, broke up with my boyfriend and then lost my grandpa, one of the most important people in my life, all within the span of a few weeks.

Two years later, I write this as proof that there is light on the other side of the tunnel. I still look back on the moment when I met Roy at Caesar's in the pouring rain as one of the turning points -- the first sign of someone offering me a hand to pull me through the darkness. And I'm so grateful for my friends and my family. I know I've put some of them through a lot, but I really appreciate them being there for me and showing me the support and love that they have given.

At the same time though, the thing in the end that is both different and the same is me. I am in some ways the same person that I was. I find "ambitious" is the new "driven," and I'm still that driven/ambitious, bright, talented, smart, caring, passionate individual that I have always been. But my confidence has grown as I've realized that I can be independent. I have planted my feet firmly on the ground and they're not going anywhere. And I have an amazing life that I am thankful for every day that I have worked hard to achieve for myself.

I don't want to jinx anything or put additional pressure on myself to live up to any ideal. However, I do think that there is some truth to the characterization of us as strong Harvard women. We are a particular kind of human being. And we have a strength that sometimes even we forget we possess. Yet at the end of the day, it's that strength that pulls us through. I don't know if I'll ever forget the dark place I was in, but I suppose we all have baggage. I just keep going.

On Happiness

2011-01-24T20:08:00.001-08:00

Do I really deserve to be happy? Do I actually get to be one of those people who has what they want in life and am happy with my life?

"Time is Fleeting. Madness Takes Its Toll"

2010-12-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

Life's been pretty good recently, so why do I feel like I'm just bracing myself for things to get worse? Trying to focus on savoring the happiness... :)

Resolving to Change the Things I Cannot Change

2010-10-03T22:17:00.000-07:00

I have a letter from my high school lacrosse coach that I keep next to my bed and read from time to time. It's a copy of the recommendation letter he sent to Harvard. In it, he says that I will never let anyone down, disappoint or embarrass them. But the more I think about it, the more I sometimes wonder whether that's really true.

I feel like I've lived my life trying to live up to other people's expectations. Only recently did I add in my own. And yes, I may be one of the most driven people others say they've ever met, but for what? And to what? And at what point do I have to say no, I'll just get in my own way?

I don't think you can change everything about a person. I think there are some things inherent that can't be changed. But when they're flaws and weaknesses and make you stand out, what then? I refuse to believe that I'm condemned for lack of perfection-- that the things I am afraid of or know to be weaknesses are curses that doom me to a certain existence or future. But if everything isn't malleable... then I wonder how to change my fate.

And in a way, I then wish I could be like all those other people who fit in and don't stand out. The normal ones, the popular ones.

But that never was me, and moving forward, I'm not sure if it ever could be.

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

2010-07-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

As I reflect on life, I find myself coming to the same conclusion over and over again-- that friends are really one of the most important things in the world. Whenever anything else goes wrong in life, be it work, love, or family, they're the ones who are there for you and who love you no matter what-- like family, but a vast extensive network. It's something I find that I remind myself of often-- partly because I think I'm still in disbelief that it's really true, and partly because, when life gets tough, friends keep you going.

A Manifesto, Of Sorts

2010-05-18T22:12:00.001-07:00

Contrary to what some people may think, I am distinctly not perfect. I have had knee, ankle, and heart problems, all by the time I was 20. I've struggled with my anxiety for years, though I'm learning to accept it as a part of me. I never went to public school, always had my house cleaned by our cleaning lady (Violet, then Anna), and have freckles and the occasional breakout. My hair takes around 24 hours to dry when wet, and while I own lots of makeup and I guess could spend a lot of time on my appearance, it's not something I choose to focus on. I'd rather sleep late than get up early to get ready. I've been collecting baseball cards since I was 5, and used to work backstage at rock concerts. In 7th grade, I befriended one of the deans for life after talking about the NCAA tournament with him for over an hour (and the respective strengths of UCONN vs UMASS vs Kentucky). My first time operating a light board was in the 5th grade. At one point, I'd also seen nearly every show playing on Broadway, and my family has season tickets to the Giants. Also in 5th grade, my dad yelled at me for getting an 86 on a science test. I graduated with honors and was nominated for the Hoopes Prize from Harvard, but I could've done better if I had really focused on academics. I was never a part of any sorority, and I don't think I've ever had a truly healthy relationship. I've been cheated on more times than I care to count, on top of everything else.

But these pieces, amongst others, all make up me. While I try not to talk about them and often pretend that they aren't there to the outside world, they are distinctly a part of who I am. In the end, I don't think all the little details matter. It's more "take me as I am or leave me." There are things in my life that I can't change and that I never had any control over. I just believe that the pieces all were put together to bring me to this point and to bring me to whatever comes next.

At the same time, when I look at the past, the details explain a lot of what has become the present. I = a combination of all the little things. A lot of them definitely left a mark. I just hope you can accept me in spite of some of the "flaws" or the ideosyncracies. I am unique, even when I try to be like everybody else. The quote, "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? " crosses my mind. All I want is acceptance. But if I can't get that, then at least I need to accept myself and continue to put the real complete me out there. And hope that's enough for you.

The Stuff We Leave Behind

2010-03-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

One thing I both love and hate about being home is looking around my room. I feel like my room really tells me who I am. Having lived here my whole life, there's not much I can hide about who I am. Since I never throw anything out, I have so many pieces of my past here, even if they're pieces I may have forgotten.

I have my thousands of baseball cards, most of my artwork, my playbills from all of the RRS productions, autographed concert passes, my soccer and softball trophies, and a picture of me on the 8th grade bike trip, amongst others. It's nice, in a way, to be surrounded by me, but there's also something very scary and vulnerable about it-- when we leave home, we can create whomever we want to be and reinvent ourselves. We can live as that person for a long time. But eventually and inevitably, that person we've been since youth pops up somewhere. Going back here, I'm reminded of her. I'm still that person, and I'm not ashamed of that, but in a way, being here is proof of my life. It says, "This is me," loudly and clearly.

On existentialism, new years resolutions, and laziness

2010-01-18T22:37:00.000-08:00

I got in a conversation with my roommate tonight about the existentialism class I took freshman year of college, that, while singlehandedly setting back my GPA, significantly affected my outlook on life. But after spending an evening that I desperately wanted to be productive sitting on the couch, I started to wonder: suppose you say you really want to start living your life tomorrow. Does that entitle you to spend the night on the couch now? Laziness feels wonderful and irresistible.

At the same time though, there are so many things I want to do and so many ways in which I want to be better. I guess there's an argument that they're sorta like new years resolutions this time of year, and that if I were really serious about them I could find the motivation to do them, but still... when so much of the rest of my life takes so much energy, it's nice to be lazy sometimes.

Still, there are things I do in fact want to get done and do better this year. I need to get back in shape, for one. I miss feeling like a varsity athlete and pushing myself in that way. Even if I'm not sure I'm allowed to run, I still want to be able to make it through a difficult workout without being completely pulverized like I used to be able to do. I started doing some exercises tonight, and I want to keep it up.

I'd like to be neater. I want to actually clean things and do dishes and feel sorta uncluttered for once.

And finally, I'd like to spend a little more time NOT sitting on the couch in front of the TV. Cooking, songwriting, reading... I don't want to feel like I'm being lazy. I remember the time when I felt that every moment had to matter-- and the moments have been so great, I don't want to let them laze by.

Thinking Back

2009-11-27T22:07:00.000-08:00

Every Thanksgiving I try to take a few minutes to reflect back upon the last year. While I realize I'm a day late this year, I still wanted to take a moment, because I realize that so much of what I have now (and what my life is now) is completely different from a year ago. It makes the title of this blog, "Wanderings of a Harvard Graduate," seem more fitting than it might otherwise be. I think I really have wandered... and am still wandering.

I am staggered that a year ago, I was living in a different town in a different apartment, and that I barely knew (or didn't know) many of the people who are today some of my closest friends. I didn't have this support system, and my job... it was two jobs ago, and feels like a lifetime away. Since then, I've moved forward in every way and found myself. I don't think my core has changed, but I do think that I am stronger. Much stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

It has been an extremely challenging year. Not having my grandfather at Thanksgiving hurt more than I thought it would, though I suppose he wasn't well enough to attend last year either. There are still lots of questions about and within my life that remain unanswered... which is why I am so thankful for my life, the people in it, and the direction things have taken in the last year. I could never have predicted it-- just as I am sure I will not be able to predict what will happen in the year to come.

With fire in her eyes,
me

"I think we just moved way past complicated" - The Holiday

2009-11-22T16:03:00.001-08:00

Have I sacrificed what I want, or do I just want something new? This has all moved way past complicated. In everything.

One year later after the abyss...

2009-10-25T22:27:00.001-07:00

I am in awe of myself for how far I've come in the last year. When I think of the scared and anxious person that I was after graduating from college and moving to a strange city, I am still ashamed of myself and immensely proud of the person that I have now grown to be. It's hard because part of me still wants the ideals I had upon graduation before the rug was pulled out from under me. In a way, I wanted to be the suburbanite. I wanted the husband and the stable job I'd never leave. I craved stability, even if I wasn't developed enough in my own right to take on that task yet. Now, I look at my life and it is almost a 180. I am the city girl living the Sex & the City lifestyle I always idolized but never dreamed I could embark upon. I have an amazing group of friends, a fabulous apartment, and a job that makes me happy. I no longer feel trapped in a box trying to get out. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the "shoulds" and the "have tos." My life is much more what I want now.

That doesn't mean that I am not overwhelmed sometimes (or even often). Thinking about the future, even for someone like me, is still enough to make me cower a little. I look out often and see an endless abyss. I want to know the path, and I have to accept that I really really don't. There's still fear. But at least I enjoy the moments more now.

And while very little may be the same about my life today versus a year ago, the new things are wonderful. I got my first choreography gig, am founding a dance company, and am planning my trip to my industry's national conference next month. I have several committees to plan things for, and graduate school to think about. This last paragraph may remind one of the whole Harvard Grad mystique. Maybe it does-- but it is definitely who I've always been, and who I need to be. It's the person I lost, and in the last year, have reclaimed.

I share this with the world because I do earnestly hope that everything I've been through this last year won't be in vain. I hope other people can learn from it and see an upside when everything looks as bleak as it can be. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through, which is partly why I started this journey and this blog a year and a half ago. I promise from this point forward to write posts that are the wonderfully written ramblings I greatly enjoy reading from others. I apologize for the unedited rambling that appears here. But I needed to remember, update, and recap, so that I can close the door and move onward once and for all.

The Bad Stuff is Easier to Believe

2009-09-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite lines from Pretty Woman is "The bad stuff is easier to believe. Ever notice that?" I think it's true. I realize how captive we all are to the worst visions and fears of ourselves. It bothers me how much I am sometimes unable to enjoy the good because I am almost paranoid of the bad stuff or the bad idea in my head. And it's weird because I would generally consider myself an optimist. But the bad stuff really is easier to believe.

"We are not who you think we are. We are golden!"

2009-08-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

My mom always says that nothing stays the same for three weeks. I think she's right. As I stand on the precipice of another set of new changes, it's scary. The world I thought existed outside the ivory gates has not been as easy as I thought or what I thought. In a way, I embrace the challenge. In another, I embrace myself. And in a third, I embrace whatever the future has in store.

So-called Modern Love

2009-08-01T23:07:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that I'm a hopeless romantic. I spend a good portion of my time watching so-called "chick flicks" or more respectable romantic movies. I love Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte and even Meg Cabot. I am in many ways, a sucker for romance.

I started reading "Modern Love," the collection of stories from The New Yorker, in the dead of winter after finding it on a friend's coffee table. Many of the stories have spoken to me, and I've tried to reconcile a world where love is not defined by my parent's experience. I'm beginning to accept that whatever romance is for me, I will not be them. It's too late. I've dated too many people to have that experience of falling in love with and marrying someone I met the first day freshman year of college... or at least, if I have that experience, there will have been people in between. And it does sadden me to know that my life is not going to look like theirs--especially when they are the model for what I want romance, a good relationship, and even the rest of my life to look like.

Instead maybe "modern love" is spending your whole life looking for that right person. There are mistakes along the way, and people take time apart. But at the end of the day, the picture clears and the right person eventually enters the frame. Even if it's years later, the people who are meant to be together end up together. And it's those other relationships, the heartbreaks, the years of not looking, or of looking too much, or of learning to live by yourself, or learning to live with someone else... it is all these experiences that best prepare us for the way we live now, the way we were meant to live, and the way we end up living.

Perfection (or lack thereof)

2009-07-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

I am not perfect. Despite my degree and everything else, I don't understand why everyone looks at me the way they do. I sometimes wish they could see what lies under the surface. I hope they would still love me then.

Starting Something New... Sorta

2009-06-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

I've watched myself (and a lot of my friends) take some amazing risks this past year. One, which I would like to assist (hence this blog post), comes from my roommate as she prepares to launch her new website and begin teaching wedding dance lessons. And so, without further ado: Chicago Wedding Dance.

I should add that there are a few moments in the past week where I have stopped and remarked on how amazing it is that I'm finally getting paid to do the work that I'm doing. I used to do this stuff for free for my friends because I loved it. Now, I've been able to turn it into a career. It's wonderful.

On my ACL

2009-06-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

I continue to be amazed by how one moment can change your entire life, without you ever predicting it or being able to go back. I'm not even necessarily talking about words heard or uttered, but rather about injuries.

I think back to my life before I tore my ACL and there is a before and an after. Literally in the moments leading up to my fall, my future included an amazing summer internship at NBC, a starting spot on the JV lacrosse team, and a ballroom competition with a wonderful partner. In one second and one "pop," all of those things vanished.

I often wish I could go back to being the person I was before. I miss the athlete in me, and I wonder if many other challenges, like my heart problems and the difficulty I had memorizing lines, came from that moment. Would I still be talking to the friends I lost during surgery and my recovery? Even now, I am still struggling with injuries that came from that one second in the billions of seconds that will make up my life. And I am still ashamed and embarrassed that I am and will be forced to chronically struggle with something so simple and from such a small time point in time.

In the days after the accident, I kept wishing I could go back and do it over and change that second. I kept wanting to take it back. It's four years later, and I still have the same thought.

Thinking about Grandma's House

2009-05-14T21:26:00.000-07:00

I wrote a post about my grandmother (and grandfather)'s house for work today. It's interesting because I don't usually get emotionally affected by what I'm writing, but I totally teared up writing it, and had to pace myself so as not to get upset. It's amazing how many memories in our lives are tied to places. I'm including a link to the post here (more about the blog it's on later). I hope you all get a chance to read and enjoy.

Grandmas House and Reverse Mortgages

In the abyss

2009-04-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am in a creative abyss. I went out to take out the trash and wound up trying to dance on my lawn in flip flops. First I tried to work on a routine I've been practicing, but then I decided I couldn't be confined by choreography and did some other things. I'm still searching for the routine that will make me feel better and feel complete as a dancer. Or the style of dance. So that after practice, I will feel spent and not want to keep dancing. Unless love as a dancer is this feeling I keep feeling where I want to dance always no matter what.

Thanking and remembering

2009-04-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

"you'll find your place again here. i know it :):)"

I love my friends.

On Pain

2009-04-21T22:14:00.000-07:00

Over the last year and a half or so, I've had an ongoing debate with certain people about how much darkness is in my life. The argument is that I am dark "pink." Many people don't believe I've ever really suffered or experienced any smattering of pain, suffering, and heartache. I sometimes end up in conversations that are simply people listing off all the bad things that have happened to them. It is not a competition.

But I have experienced a lot of pain. And when events like those of the past week occur, they remind me just how strong I am and how much I have been through. I could be utterly destroyed. I could see the world in shades of gray or covered with black. I am that hurt. I am that betrayed and distraught. But I don't choose to view things that way--I don't choose to view people that way. My dreams and aspirations are still the same as what they were before they were crushed. I still want the same things. And that's what explains the "pink," that's what gives me hope and keeps me going. My future and my end result is not dependent on a single event and will not be altered (if it's something I really want) by a single betrayal or even a series of them. I am sure of that and convinced of that because that is who I am. I don't let people get the better of me or derail me from my dreams.

So I haven't given up on love or dreams just because of all the heartaches that have happened along the road. And I never will. But just because I don't cry or see a dark and ashy world doesn't mean I haven't experienced pain. It doesn't mean it doesn't feel like the world is crashing down. It doesn't mean that my heart isn't broken. Just means I'm stronger than that.

Stop All the World Now

2009-04-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

I've been so busy recently, I've fallen behind on my correspondence. I'm surprised that nights can go by now where I'm not all over iChat or gChat or AIM. I'll be out and then I'll come home exhausted. I've had less time to return emails and phone calls. It's weird because it's not really me. I'm not flaky and generally very reliable, responsible, and on top of things. But so much has been going on recently, I keep falling behind.

It's hard because my friends are one of the most important things in the world to me. I would not be where I am without them and all the strength and support they've given me. I hope that as I vanish in and out of the world these next few weeks, I won't lose or damage the amazing friendships that I am so grateful to be slowly building.

And maybe eventually, I'll get this balancing act down right and have time for everything and everyone. :) Or so I hope.

"The snow was more lonely than cold"

2009-03-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

Below are the lyrics to the Savage Garden song that's been stuck in my head for weeks. I love their writing and the refrain rings true for me.

"I Don't Know You Anymore"

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

Heartbreak by Proxy

2009-03-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

In honor of Prof. Wood

The rain falls
droplets sprinkling
little pieces of my heart
like seeds of flowers
looking for somewhere to blossom
In spring
Tears that cannot be cried
Yet
Salt mines waiting to be discovered
Unleashed instead by the
Grey clouds above

Another new beginning

2009-03-08T22:12:00.000-07:00

I start my new job tomorrow. Second time through, I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes. I know that trying too hard is a flaw unto itself though so... I am trying to commit wholeheartedly and hoping that I can be the person I know I am capable of being.

Looking through the Trash

2009-03-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

My grandma asked me to find something on my grandpa's desk this afternoon. I found the task far more interesting and challenging than it probably should've been. It's amazing how much lies in the random piles of papers we forget to throw away.

Paving Paradise

2009-02-26T23:40:00.000-08:00

I find it crazy how fast things can turn around. The city has equaled love in so many ways, and I have not felt this exhilarated and excited about life in a long while. The freedom in footsteps and the ability to move freely cannot be underestimated. I never realized how much I missed walking until I couldn't... and now that I can, I will never take it for granted again. Yay paradise. Boo parking lot.

On the other hand, after thinking life couldn't get any better and living on Cloud 9, in the last 24 hours, I have lost two of the four most important men in my life. I find their views on life similar as is the way that they question me and force me to defend my opinions. They both push me to be a better person, live up to my potential, and to try to take over the world in a way that the other two do not. In a way that no one else does. When I succeed, they are proud and tell me they knew I could do it the whole time. They never accept failure-- just give me the feedback I need to change things and make it better. I never realized how much one reminded me of the other. I can't believe I need to say goodbye to both so soon, so suddenly, and together. I still try to hold out some hope that I won't have to. People like that are irreplaceable and invaluable.

Life post college has posed so many challenges, sometimes I wish for the safety of the ivory gates. Then I look beyond and think about how much I am interacting with the world and existing on a bigger playing field... and that's a pretty great feeling.

In other news, I saw a woman shoveling rain today. I have never seen that before.

Excitement on the Night Before...

2009-02-21T23:06:00.001-08:00

I had an epiphany this evening, but I'm not sure what it means. I'm sitting here waiting to begin my next adventure, and I feel excited and ready to embrace my independence for one of the first times in a very long time. I thought about what caused this breakthrough of self-discovery and confidence, and I wonder if it is the fact that I feel very alone and separated from my family and many of the other people in my life. I think that when you know you don't have a shoulder to go to at all times, you need to approach problems differently- they truly become your own. The last few days have been filled with such adrenaline. Yes there is anxiety; I am tense in ways I have not been for a long time, and I can't keep up with my appetite. However, there is also a lot of excitement. I am finally taking control of my life again. The things I wanted are about to be back in my reach. I'm not STUCK anymore! It's the most amazing feeling of freedom combined with expectation. As much as I want a hug and want love and support right now, I also want to keep moving. I can't wait for what tomorrow has in store.

On Fear...

2009-02-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." -Dune(?)

Not so random randomness

2008-12-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

It feels good to take control of my life.
It makes me feel alive to feel.
A life without love is not worth living.

On writing... sorta (or, the text message I sent by accident)

2008-11-17T21:46:00.000-08:00

The writing is the point
The point in an action
The message unsent
Like words unspoken
Only through the pen
A release in the voice
So much to say
So little time
So many second guesses
Delete.

The existential crisis

2008-11-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

We are brought up to believe we are capable of accomplishing anything. But when? How soon is the right time to make the jump?

I really don't know anymore.

I just need time to sit and think.

It begins.

2008-08-03T21:57:00.000-07:00

Work starts tomorrow...

Fly Little Wing

2008-07-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been in Chicago for a week now, but things have been odd for the last three weeks or so. I had my wisdom teeth out and then fell terribly ill with some derivation of strep throat/tonsillitis. It should say something that I spent two weeks on the couch without even thinking about updating. But now I am back to the real world and moving in to my new apartment. It's crazy to think about all the things that must be done in the course of moving! I just keep buying things, and I don't even know if they're the right things. I also want to make sure this place feels like home, and I want to find the random things that are somewhere in the chaos. But as out of control as it can sometimes feel, this place is beginning to feel homey. As I continue to meet nice people and be productive, I realize how out of it I have been and how nice it is to be in the world again.

Hello

2008-07-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Hello from Chicagoland. I've been out in my new apartment for nearly a week. And it's beginning to come together.

Parting Shot

2008-06-30T23:39:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this awhile ago and know it's been in various venues, but I've thought of it a lot over the summer and it seems to make sense for it to go here as well as I launch off on the next chapter of my life:

Learning to Fail

In the admissions office, the same message has been repeated to prospective students for years. It is a message that I wrote in my college essay four years ago, but I never fully understood until I came through the Harvard experience: Don’t be afraid to experience failure.

It is hard for me to analyze my Harvard experience without analyzing the failures I experienced. I could put a rosy glow on everything, but if I did not allow myself to look at those moments where I made mistakes, I would lack the perspective I have today.

During my freshman year, I took an upper-level philosophy class on existentialism. Since then, I have tried to live my life in accordance with Nietzsche’s principle of eternal recurrence: Live life such that you would want to live each moment over again, every detail the same. But I have come to discover that this philosophy is incomplete. Life is about more than simply living with no regrets. It is about learning from the regrets that you do have and realizing which moments are the ones you should cherish.

Harvard hasn’t been easy, and it is not supposed to be. It is that first freshman seminar that you applied to but were rejected from. The a capella group that the vast majority of people who tried out for didn’t get in to. The production you weren’t cast in, and the team you didn’t make. There are the professors who wouldn’t advise your thesis, the funding that didn’t come through, the fellowship or job that you weren’t offered. Here, we have learned to experience failure, because it is impossible to succeed at everything at once. Whether those failures were in the classroom, in tryouts, or even in a fight with a friend, we would be remiss if we said that we had made it through the Harvard experience without learning that we cannot always succeed.

But often, these failures result in the greatest rewards, and we end up learning from the risks that gave rise to them. When I wrote my application to Harvard, I tried to communicate that I was a happy and confident person. I believed myself happy and confident back then, but the extent to which I know myself is much deeper today. In choosing to come here, I made the decision to take myself out of the environment I was familiar with and go somewhere where I would not know everything. I lived with a diverse group of people I love, and I learned new things every day. I didn’t do everything right, but I don’t think that anyone did, even if that is the image they hope to project.

And four years later, my happiness is genuine, but the confidence that I possess is more than a simple optimism fed by success; it is the confidence to try, to risk failure, and to get back up again.

I credit Harvard for teaching me this, above all other things. In an institution that glorifies conventional notions of success, I believe the most important thing I learned here was how to fail. Failures are not the prettiest moments, and on graduation day, one is reluctant to remember crying over a poor Expository Writing grade or the emotional crisis of the first month of freshman year. Yet, without these moments, I would not be so proud of where I am today. I would not have felt as much joy in my grade on the next paper. I would not be so proud of the many things that I have accomplished here. They may not be a laundry list of awards, but these successes are things that I have worked for—achievements with efforts and stories behind them.

Harvard is a place that rewards success, and during senior spring in particular, these awards proliferate. Suddenly it seems that everything can be divided into Summas, Phi Beta Kappas, Hoopes prizes, and prestigious fellowships. But this is not the entire Harvard experience. The Harvard experience entails understanding and experiencing failure. It is comprised of students rising from that failure, overcoming that fear, and excelling in spite of it. That environment—made up of students who experienced few failures before college and have been humbled by Harvard—makes this school the amazing place that it is. I only hope that, in a place where excellence abounds, Harvard College never loses sight of the importance of failing.

Publishing a piece?

2008-06-23T21:34:00.001-07:00

Why is it that I keep getting the urge to write op-eds? I don't know where to publish them, but I keep coming up with ideas.

I am not a sell out.

2008-06-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

It seems that everywhere I look, people are harping on new graduates for entering the real world/anything other than public service after college.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/23/education/23careers.html?hp

I'm so tired of it. I wish people had this discussion before I mapped out my career path and accepted an offer, but now I instead feel like I was forced to march blindly, make a decision, and apparently, I am somehow a sheep. It's taken the good I've felt about all that I've been doing and made it feel somehow like it's not enough, and I should've done something different. I even almost feel bad for having thought about money when choosing a job. Was it bad that my parents were threatening to kick me out and I wanted to be financially secure when I graduated? Is it bad if I did not want to live on $1 a day by choice? Is it bad that I want to start saving money for grad school/my own production company/a house/travel/a future?

I don't think that choosing to work is inevitably the wrong choice. Three speeches and an article later, I'm tired of the propaganda that it is. And I'm tired of contemplating whether I made the wrong decision.

Strange ramblings in the night

2008-06-13T22:18:00.001-07:00

The things I miss most are things in the night:
- I miss driving to a certain place at 2am and driving home on a deserted highway at 4. I like when the roads are all mine, and when traffic lights seem like suggestions since there is no one else there but you and the quiet night illuminated by your soundtrack.
- I miss the sounds of college- both the absolute quiet (even when I complain about it) and the noise of an active party night. The people, the music, the shuttles.
- I miss the emptiness and the busyness- seeing people places where you didn't expect to run into anyone and being the last person awake.
- I miss going out too. Knowing that you can walk into a bar or a room and there will be people there that you know who are really glad to see you. Always having a place to go.

Consequently, I did find it surprising when my mom came downstairs randomly tonight to hug me, hold me, and tell me how proud she was of me. I felt like I was the parent comforting her, and it was very weird and awkward and eerily painful. It was a night when I wanted to be the child, and instead I felt I was taking care of myself, waiting up for them to get home and then comforting her. The role reversals are disquieting and make me not be as secure with who I'm supposed to be anymore.

At least I get a vacation tomorrow. I think getting away from all this will do me a lot of good.

Beginings

2008-06-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

I have now been a Harvard graduate for a week, and I hardly know what to do with myself. Despite my degree and the fact that I have a job lined up, it still seems that I am more lost than found. Consequently, I've created this blog to keep up with my wanderings--both mentally and physically--as I put together a life for myself beyond the gates of Harvard Yard.

My life has always been defined within an academic setting, despite attempts to do or be otherwise. Some people may say they were undefined before high school or college, but I always existed within the framework of the classroom. I always loved school, was curious, and lived a life that revolved around a large slate of extracurricular activities. That was the life I lived for as long as I can remember. Although I changed within that world and my ideas, personality, and mannerisms are different now than they used to be, I have always had that construct to be in. Now, a world without a classroom seems like a strange thought. When I'm moving, I become motivated again, but otherwise, it becomes increasingly easy to just sit, relax, think, and be... lazy. I am still that girl who wants to take over the world, and am still many f the things I was within the confines of the classroom-- I just have to figure out how to translate that into the real world. Which is why I'm wandering.