One year later after the abyss...

I am in awe of myself for how far I've come in the last year. When I think of the scared and anxious person that I was after graduating from college and moving to a strange city, I am still ashamed of myself and immensely proud of the person that I have now grown to be. It's hard because part of me still wants the ideals I had upon graduation before the rug was pulled out from under me. In a way, I wanted to be the suburbanite. I wanted the husband and the stable job I'd never leave. I craved stability, even if I wasn't developed enough in my own right to take on that task yet. Now, I look at my life and it is almost a 180. I am the city girl living the Sex & the City lifestyle I always idolized but never dreamed I could embark upon. I have an amazing group of friends, a fabulous apartment, and a job that makes me happy. I no longer feel trapped in a box trying to get out. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the "shoulds" and the "have tos." My life is much more what I want now.

That doesn't mean that I am not overwhelmed sometimes (or even often). Thinking about the future, even for someone like me, is still enough to make me cower a little. I look out often and see an endless abyss. I want to know the path, and I have to accept that I really really don't. There's still fear. But at least I enjoy the moments more now.

And while very little may be the same about my life today versus a year ago, the new things are wonderful. I got my first choreography gig, am founding a dance company, and am planning my trip to my industry's national conference next month. I have several committees to plan things for, and graduate school to think about. This last paragraph may remind one of the whole Harvard Grad mystique. Maybe it does-- but it is definitely who I've always been, and who I need to be. It's the person I lost, and in the last year, have reclaimed.

I share this with the world because I do earnestly hope that everything I've been through this last year won't be in vain. I hope other people can learn from it and see an upside when everything looks as bleak as it can be. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through, which is partly why I started this journey and this blog a year and a half ago. I promise from this point forward to write posts that are the wonderfully written ramblings I greatly enjoy reading from others. I apologize for the unedited rambling that appears here. But I needed to remember, update, and recap, so that I can close the door and move onward once and for all.