Stop All the World Now

I've been so busy recently, I've fallen behind on my correspondence. I'm surprised that nights can go by now where I'm not all over iChat or gChat or AIM. I'll be out and then I'll come home exhausted. I've had less time to return emails and phone calls. It's weird because it's not really me. I'm not flaky and generally very reliable, responsible, and on top of things. But so much has been going on recently, I keep falling behind.

It's hard because my friends are one of the most important things in the world to me. I would not be where I am without them and all the strength and support they've given me. I hope that as I vanish in and out of the world these next few weeks, I won't lose or damage the amazing friendships that I am so grateful to be slowly building.

And maybe eventually, I'll get this balancing act down right and have time for everything and everyone. :) Or so I hope.

"The snow was more lonely than cold"

Below are the lyrics to the Savage Garden song that's been stuck in my head for weeks. I love their writing and the refrain rings true for me.

"I Don't Know You Anymore"

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

Heartbreak by Proxy

In honor of Prof. Wood

The rain falls
droplets sprinkling
little pieces of my heart
like seeds of flowers
looking for somewhere to blossom
In spring
Tears that cannot be cried
Yet
Salt mines waiting to be discovered
Unleashed instead by the
Grey clouds above

Another new beginning

I start my new job tomorrow. Second time through, I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes. I know that trying too hard is a flaw unto itself though so... I am trying to commit wholeheartedly and hoping that I can be the person I know I am capable of being.

Looking through the Trash

My grandma asked me to find something on my grandpa's desk this afternoon. I found the task far more interesting and challenging than it probably should've been. It's amazing how much lies in the random piles of papers we forget to throw away.

Paving Paradise

I find it crazy how fast things can turn around. The city has equaled love in so many ways, and I have not felt this exhilarated and excited about life in a long while. The freedom in footsteps and the ability to move freely cannot be underestimated. I never realized how much I missed walking until I couldn't... and now that I can, I will never take it for granted again. Yay paradise. Boo parking lot.

On the other hand, after thinking life couldn't get any better and living on Cloud 9, in the last 24 hours, I have lost two of the four most important men in my life. I find their views on life similar as is the way that they question me and force me to defend my opinions. They both push me to be a better person, live up to my potential, and to try to take over the world in a way that the other two do not. In a way that no one else does. When I succeed, they are proud and tell me they knew I could do it the whole time. They never accept failure-- just give me the feedback I need to change things and make it better. I never realized how much one reminded me of the other. I can't believe I need to say goodbye to both so soon, so suddenly, and together. I still try to hold out some hope that I won't have to. People like that are irreplaceable and invaluable.

Life post college has posed so many challenges, sometimes I wish for the safety of the ivory gates. Then I look beyond and think about how much I am interacting with the world and existing on a bigger playing field... and that's a pretty great feeling.

In other news, I saw a woman shoveling rain today. I have never seen that before.

Excitement on the Night Before...

I had an epiphany this evening, but I'm not sure what it means. I'm sitting here waiting to begin my next adventure, and I feel excited and ready to embrace my independence for one of the first times in a very long time. I thought about what caused this breakthrough of self-discovery and confidence, and I wonder if it is the fact that I feel very alone and separated from my family and many of the other people in my life. I think that when you know you don't have a shoulder to go to at all times, you need to approach problems differently- they truly become your own. The last few days have been filled with such adrenaline. Yes there is anxiety; I am tense in ways I have not been for a long time, and I can't keep up with my appetite. However, there is also a lot of excitement. I am finally taking control of my life again. The things I wanted are about to be back in my reach. I'm not STUCK anymore! It's the most amazing feeling of freedom combined with expectation. As much as I want a hug and want love and support right now, I also want to keep moving. I can't wait for what tomorrow has in store.