Thinking Back

Every Thanksgiving I try to take a few minutes to reflect back upon the last year. While I realize I'm a day late this year, I still wanted to take a moment, because I realize that so much of what I have now (and what my life is now) is completely different from a year ago. It makes the title of this blog, "Wanderings of a Harvard Graduate," seem more fitting than it might otherwise be. I think I really have wandered... and am still wandering.

I am staggered that a year ago, I was living in a different town in a different apartment, and that I barely knew (or didn't know) many of the people who are today some of my closest friends. I didn't have this support system, and my job... it was two jobs ago, and feels like a lifetime away. Since then, I've moved forward in every way and found myself. I don't think my core has changed, but I do think that I am stronger. Much stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

It has been an extremely challenging year. Not having my grandfather at Thanksgiving hurt more than I thought it would, though I suppose he wasn't well enough to attend last year either. There are still lots of questions about and within my life that remain unanswered... which is why I am so thankful for my life, the people in it, and the direction things have taken in the last year. I could never have predicted it-- just as I am sure I will not be able to predict what will happen in the year to come.

With fire in her eyes,
me

"I think we just moved way past complicated" - The Holiday

Have I sacrificed what I want, or do I just want something new? This has all moved way past complicated. In everything.

One year later after the abyss...

I am in awe of myself for how far I've come in the last year. When I think of the scared and anxious person that I was after graduating from college and moving to a strange city, I am still ashamed of myself and immensely proud of the person that I have now grown to be. It's hard because part of me still wants the ideals I had upon graduation before the rug was pulled out from under me. In a way, I wanted to be the suburbanite. I wanted the husband and the stable job I'd never leave. I craved stability, even if I wasn't developed enough in my own right to take on that task yet. Now, I look at my life and it is almost a 180. I am the city girl living the Sex & the City lifestyle I always idolized but never dreamed I could embark upon. I have an amazing group of friends, a fabulous apartment, and a job that makes me happy. I no longer feel trapped in a box trying to get out. I no longer feel overwhelmed by the "shoulds" and the "have tos." My life is much more what I want now.

That doesn't mean that I am not overwhelmed sometimes (or even often). Thinking about the future, even for someone like me, is still enough to make me cower a little. I look out often and see an endless abyss. I want to know the path, and I have to accept that I really really don't. There's still fear. But at least I enjoy the moments more now.

And while very little may be the same about my life today versus a year ago, the new things are wonderful. I got my first choreography gig, am founding a dance company, and am planning my trip to my industry's national conference next month. I have several committees to plan things for, and graduate school to think about. This last paragraph may remind one of the whole Harvard Grad mystique. Maybe it does-- but it is definitely who I've always been, and who I need to be. It's the person I lost, and in the last year, have reclaimed.

I share this with the world because I do earnestly hope that everything I've been through this last year won't be in vain. I hope other people can learn from it and see an upside when everything looks as bleak as it can be. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I went through, which is partly why I started this journey and this blog a year and a half ago. I promise from this point forward to write posts that are the wonderfully written ramblings I greatly enjoy reading from others. I apologize for the unedited rambling that appears here. But I needed to remember, update, and recap, so that I can close the door and move onward once and for all.

The Bad Stuff is Easier to Believe

One of my favorite lines from Pretty Woman is "The bad stuff is easier to believe. Ever notice that?" I think it's true. I realize how captive we all are to the worst visions and fears of ourselves. It bothers me how much I am sometimes unable to enjoy the good because I am almost paranoid of the bad stuff or the bad idea in my head. And it's weird because I would generally consider myself an optimist. But the bad stuff really is easier to believe.

"We are not who you think we are. We are golden!"

My mom always says that nothing stays the same for three weeks. I think she's right. As I stand on the precipice of another set of new changes, it's scary. The world I thought existed outside the ivory gates has not been as easy as I thought or what I thought. In a way, I embrace the challenge. In another, I embrace myself. And in a third, I embrace whatever the future has in store.

So-called Modern Love

Everyone knows that I'm a hopeless romantic. I spend a good portion of my time watching so-called "chick flicks" or more respectable romantic movies. I love Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte and even Meg Cabot. I am in many ways, a sucker for romance.

I started reading "Modern Love," the collection of stories from The New Yorker, in the dead of winter after finding it on a friend's coffee table. Many of the stories have spoken to me, and I've tried to reconcile a world where love is not defined by my parent's experience. I'm beginning to accept that whatever romance is for me, I will not be them. It's too late. I've dated too many people to have that experience of falling in love with and marrying someone I met the first day freshman year of college... or at least, if I have that experience, there will have been people in between. And it does sadden me to know that my life is not going to look like theirs--especially when they are the model for what I want romance, a good relationship, and even the rest of my life to look like.

Instead maybe "modern love" is spending your whole life looking for that right person. There are mistakes along the way, and people take time apart. But at the end of the day, the picture clears and the right person eventually enters the frame. Even if it's years later, the people who are meant to be together end up together. And it's those other relationships, the heartbreaks, the years of not looking, or of looking too much, or of learning to live by yourself, or learning to live with someone else... it is all these experiences that best prepare us for the way we live now, the way we were meant to live, and the way we end up living.

Perfection (or lack thereof)

I am not perfect. Despite my degree and everything else, I don't understand why everyone looks at me the way they do. I sometimes wish they could see what lies under the surface. I hope they would still love me then.

Starting Something New... Sorta

I've watched myself (and a lot of my friends) take some amazing risks this past year. One, which I would like to assist (hence this blog post), comes from my roommate as she prepares to launch her new website and begin teaching wedding dance lessons. And so, without further ado: Chicago Wedding Dance.

I should add that there are a few moments in the past week where I have stopped and remarked on how amazing it is that I'm finally getting paid to do the work that I'm doing. I used to do this stuff for free for my friends because I loved it. Now, I've been able to turn it into a career. It's wonderful.

On my ACL

I continue to be amazed by how one moment can change your entire life, without you ever predicting it or being able to go back. I'm not even necessarily talking about words heard or uttered, but rather about injuries.

I think back to my life before I tore my ACL and there is a before and an after. Literally in the moments leading up to my fall, my future included an amazing summer internship at NBC, a starting spot on the JV lacrosse team, and a ballroom competition with a wonderful partner. In one second and one "pop," all of those things vanished.

I often wish I could go back to being the person I was before. I miss the athlete in me, and I wonder if many other challenges, like my heart problems and the difficulty I had memorizing lines, came from that moment. Would I still be talking to the friends I lost during surgery and my recovery? Even now, I am still struggling with injuries that came from that one second in the billions of seconds that will make up my life. And I am still ashamed and embarrassed that I am and will be forced to chronically struggle with something so simple and from such a small time point in time.

In the days after the accident, I kept wishing I could go back and do it over and change that second. I kept wanting to take it back. It's four years later, and I still have the same thought.

Thinking about Grandma's House

I wrote a post about my grandmother (and grandfather)'s house for work today. It's interesting because I don't usually get emotionally affected by what I'm writing, but I totally teared up writing it, and had to pace myself so as not to get upset. It's amazing how many memories in our lives are tied to places. I'm including a link to the post here (more about the blog it's on later). I hope you all get a chance to read and enjoy.

Grandmas House and Reverse Mortgages

In the abyss

I feel like I am in a creative abyss. I went out to take out the trash and wound up trying to dance on my lawn in flip flops. First I tried to work on a routine I've been practicing, but then I decided I couldn't be confined by choreography and did some other things. I'm still searching for the routine that will make me feel better and feel complete as a dancer. Or the style of dance. So that after practice, I will feel spent and not want to keep dancing. Unless love as a dancer is this feeling I keep feeling where I want to dance always no matter what.

Thanking and remembering

"you'll find your place again here. i know it :):)"

I love my friends.

On Pain

Over the last year and a half or so, I've had an ongoing debate with certain people about how much darkness is in my life. The argument is that I am dark "pink." Many people don't believe I've ever really suffered or experienced any smattering of pain, suffering, and heartache. I sometimes end up in conversations that are simply people listing off all the bad things that have happened to them. It is not a competition.

But I have experienced a lot of pain. And when events like those of the past week occur, they remind me just how strong I am and how much I have been through. I could be utterly destroyed. I could see the world in shades of gray or covered with black. I am that hurt. I am that betrayed and distraught. But I don't choose to view things that way--I don't choose to view people that way. My dreams and aspirations are still the same as what they were before they were crushed. I still want the same things. And that's what explains the "pink," that's what gives me hope and keeps me going. My future and my end result is not dependent on a single event and will not be altered (if it's something I really want) by a single betrayal or even a series of them. I am sure of that and convinced of that because that is who I am. I don't let people get the better of me or derail me from my dreams.

So I haven't given up on love or dreams just because of all the heartaches that have happened along the road. And I never will. But just because I don't cry or see a dark and ashy world doesn't mean I haven't experienced pain. It doesn't mean it doesn't feel like the world is crashing down. It doesn't mean that my heart isn't broken. Just means I'm stronger than that.

Stop All the World Now

I've been so busy recently, I've fallen behind on my correspondence. I'm surprised that nights can go by now where I'm not all over iChat or gChat or AIM. I'll be out and then I'll come home exhausted. I've had less time to return emails and phone calls. It's weird because it's not really me. I'm not flaky and generally very reliable, responsible, and on top of things. But so much has been going on recently, I keep falling behind.

It's hard because my friends are one of the most important things in the world to me. I would not be where I am without them and all the strength and support they've given me. I hope that as I vanish in and out of the world these next few weeks, I won't lose or damage the amazing friendships that I am so grateful to be slowly building.

And maybe eventually, I'll get this balancing act down right and have time for everything and everyone. :) Or so I hope.

"The snow was more lonely than cold"

Below are the lyrics to the Savage Garden song that's been stuck in my head for weeks. I love their writing and the refrain rings true for me.

"I Don't Know You Anymore"

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

Springtime in the city
Always such relief from the winter freeze
The snow was more lonely than cold
If you know what I mean
Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?
'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

So maybe I shouldn't have called
Was it too soon to tell?
Oh what the hell
It doesn't really matter
How do you redefine something that never really had a name?
Has your opinion changed?

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face

Heartbreak by Proxy

In honor of Prof. Wood

The rain falls
droplets sprinkling
little pieces of my heart
like seeds of flowers
looking for somewhere to blossom
In spring
Tears that cannot be cried
Yet
Salt mines waiting to be discovered
Unleashed instead by the
Grey clouds above

Another new beginning

I start my new job tomorrow. Second time through, I am determined not to repeat the same mistakes. I know that trying too hard is a flaw unto itself though so... I am trying to commit wholeheartedly and hoping that I can be the person I know I am capable of being.

Looking through the Trash

My grandma asked me to find something on my grandpa's desk this afternoon. I found the task far more interesting and challenging than it probably should've been. It's amazing how much lies in the random piles of papers we forget to throw away.

Paving Paradise

I find it crazy how fast things can turn around. The city has equaled love in so many ways, and I have not felt this exhilarated and excited about life in a long while. The freedom in footsteps and the ability to move freely cannot be underestimated. I never realized how much I missed walking until I couldn't... and now that I can, I will never take it for granted again. Yay paradise. Boo parking lot.

On the other hand, after thinking life couldn't get any better and living on Cloud 9, in the last 24 hours, I have lost two of the four most important men in my life. I find their views on life similar as is the way that they question me and force me to defend my opinions. They both push me to be a better person, live up to my potential, and to try to take over the world in a way that the other two do not. In a way that no one else does. When I succeed, they are proud and tell me they knew I could do it the whole time. They never accept failure-- just give me the feedback I need to change things and make it better. I never realized how much one reminded me of the other. I can't believe I need to say goodbye to both so soon, so suddenly, and together. I still try to hold out some hope that I won't have to. People like that are irreplaceable and invaluable.

Life post college has posed so many challenges, sometimes I wish for the safety of the ivory gates. Then I look beyond and think about how much I am interacting with the world and existing on a bigger playing field... and that's a pretty great feeling.

In other news, I saw a woman shoveling rain today. I have never seen that before.

Excitement on the Night Before...

I had an epiphany this evening, but I'm not sure what it means. I'm sitting here waiting to begin my next adventure, and I feel excited and ready to embrace my independence for one of the first times in a very long time. I thought about what caused this breakthrough of self-discovery and confidence, and I wonder if it is the fact that I feel very alone and separated from my family and many of the other people in my life. I think that when you know you don't have a shoulder to go to at all times, you need to approach problems differently- they truly become your own. The last few days have been filled with such adrenaline. Yes there is anxiety; I am tense in ways I have not been for a long time, and I can't keep up with my appetite. However, there is also a lot of excitement. I am finally taking control of my life again. The things I wanted are about to be back in my reach. I'm not STUCK anymore! It's the most amazing feeling of freedom combined with expectation. As much as I want a hug and want love and support right now, I also want to keep moving. I can't wait for what tomorrow has in store.

On Fear...

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain." -Dune(?)