To My Fellow Members of the Tribe

To my fellow members of the Tribe on the eve of Rosh Hashana,

I'm writing to ask for a favor during the Days of Atonement this year. As I write this, I am tearing up in very real fear of losing two people I love to cancer. Now normally I would be the one in shul praying for them and for myself and my family and the big changes happening for everyone, and I would find comfort in that, but this year I will only have a few hours at shul before I hop on a plane and fly to Europe. While I'm looking forward to observing Yom Kippur in Bosnia and bringing a machzor so I can say the prayers regardless of whether or not the synagogue where I will be has services and/or a rabbi, it will be a very different type of observance than that which I have practiced in the past. And this year, I could use both the comfort and support of a minyan and the depth of prayer and meditation that the Days of Atonement usually provide. Please think of me when you read about Hannah tomorrow and please say a refuah shleimach for the people I love. It will bring me more comfort than I can express.

Lastly, or is it firstly, I apologize for any sins I have sinned against you over the past year. I hope that you can forgive me.

Wishing you and your families (both by blood and by choice) a happy, healthy, and sweet New Year and a meaningful Yom Kippur,

Reva

Give A Little Bit

You know you're in love from gut reactions - it's less about the big things and the planning and more about the every day little things. Today, I knew I'm in love because I worked from home partly so I could take care of him (even though he's a) not that sick b) not a big fan of being taken care of) because I wanted to. I made him go to the doctor. I made him tea. I handled dinner. Also, I missed one of my favorite parts of The American President​ to make the bed and tuck him into it. To me, all that adds up to "I love you" far more than the dinner I made for Valentines Day ever could.

And We Go Round And Round And Round In The Circle Game

I'm so frustrated about the situation in Israel. I've watched friends nearly get in fistfights or "unfriend" each other over hurtful comments from people on both sides (and sometimes from two people on the "same side"). I've read heartfelt stories about heartbreaking situations on both sides. It's inevitable that war is inclined to divide us, but I think the better solution in a case like this is for it to bring us together - for there to keep being respectful dialogue. The goal should be to stop the violence, not to kill all the Jews or to kill all the Arabs. I've been crushed hearing about the civilian casualties in Gaza, but I've also been crushed to hear about the deaths of Israeli soldiers -- I can't get the graveyard that we visited in Jerusalem out of my head. Now the FAA has stopped flights to Israel, and I'm just sitting here WISHING there was something I could do and worrying about my friends in the army and their friends and family... as well as about the families and friends of the Palestinians that I know. Can't we just accept that this is mutually tragic and try to put the pieces back together without pointing fingers and fighting with each other all over the world? 

Personally, while I think things escalated crazily and unnecessarily over the deaths of the three Israeli teenagers who were hitchhiking in the West Bank, and that it's absolutely atrocious that the Palestinian teenager was killed in retaliation, getting rid of the tunnel network used by terrorists is an important homeland security task. Stopping the rocket bombardment into Israel that wasn't even stopped by agreed upon ceasefires and is targeting civilians is also an important homeland security task. The Israelis have a right to protect themselves. Does that mean that the virtual caste system going on in Israel is a good thing? No. Does that mean that the subjugation of the Palestinians is a good thing? Hell no. But this war isn't about taking territory, and these bigger issues need to peacefully resolved with compromise on BOTH sides - no amount of missiles is going to solve them.

Human shields are a scary and powerful weapon in the court of public opinion. Adding up civilian deaths is an easy way to get the other side to look bad. I do think that the Israelis have attempted to warn civilians and get them out of the way -- but the fact that Gazans are practically locked in their country with nowhere to go and no ability to get in or out means everywhere is not safe. Hiding missiles in and under schools and hospitals - again, a way to get the court of public opinion on your side. If the goal is to destroy the missiles, they need to be destroyed regardless of where they lie. Again, civilian casualties should always be minimized, but I was reading yesterday about two terrorists using ambulances to transport themselves and missiles in Gaza. Yes, those ambulances are then not really ambulances and become fair-game targets.

Again, the whole thing is tragic. No one is in the right. But hopefully we, the people scattered around the world, can stop biting each other’s heads off and come together to lead to a peaceful solution, an end to the violence, and to provide help to the victims on both sides.

I’m not putting this whole thing on Facebook – because it’s too long and because I don’t want to start a big argument. I value that I have friends on both sides of the conflict. I value and respect those friendships and hope you will all respect my rights to an opinion. I also hope, regardless of which side you’re on, you take a moment to also pray for/think of those on the other side. May BOTH sides be safe and this conflict be resolved with as few deaths as possible.

Tale as Old as Time

I have been in somewhat of a funk for the past week and I think part of it is that sudden realization that my friends and I are growing up and entering a new phase of our lives. All of a sudden so many people are getting married and having kids. It becomes harder to spend times with your friends because everyone has a significant other whom they're balancing too. Others move away.

The creators of FRIENDS (TV Show) had said this about the end of the show: "Everybody was growing up. This is part of why the show had to end. This was no longer that time in your life when your friends are your family. You’re starting your own family." As soon as they said it, I realized it was true, and that that's basically the transition my peers and I are going through. But it's really bittersweet.

My Junk (from Spring Awakening)

In the midst of this nothing, this miss of a life
Still there's this wanting just to see you go by
It's almost like lovin', sad as that is
May not be cool, but it's so where I live

It's like I'm your lover or more like your ghost
I spend the day wondering what you do, where you go
I try and just kick it but then what can I do
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you

See us, winter walking after a storm
It's chill in the wind but it's warm in your arms
We stop all snow line, may not be true
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you

Well, youll have to excuse me, I know its so off
I love when you do stuff thats rude and so wrong
I go up to my room, turn the stereo on
Shoot up some you, and the you is some song

I lie back just driftin' and play out these scenes
I ride on the rush of all the hopes, all the dreams
I may be neglecting the things I should do
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you

See we still keep talkin' after you're gone
You still with me then feels so good in my arms
They say you go blind, maybe it's true
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you

Oh, it's like we stop time, what can I do?
We've all got our junk, and my junk is you
My junk is you, my junk is you
You, you, you

Songwriters
Duncan Sheik;Steven Edward Sater

Published by
DUNCAN SHEIK SONGS;KUKUZO PRODUCTIONS INC.;WARNER-TAMERLANE PUBLISHING CORP.

Read more: Spring Awakening - My Junk Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Five Years From The Bottom

Today is the 5 year anniversary of me hitting what I consider to have been my rock bottom in my struggles with mental illness. I don't often talk openly or publicly about what happened, but it is important to me to take a step back tonight and mark for myself and for everyone else how far I've come. Because I'm never going back to the place I was in then.

I now know that what afflicted me on the morning of October 31st, 2008 was the beginning of my battles with GERD - Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease. At the time though, I thought the nausea and vomiting I experienced was simply a stomach bug. But even once the sickness passed, I felt shaky. I was overcome by fear. I had my own apartment, but I didn't trust myself to take care of myself in it. I was afraid of the big sliding glass doors to the balcony of my fifth floor apartment. What if I somehow accidentally threw myself off it? I was afraid of the sharp knives in my knife set. A co-worker had cut her hand badly on a knife in her dishwasher a few weeks earlier. What if that happened to me? I didn't like knives.

Please don't interpret the above as me being suicidal. I wasn't and have never been. But I've learned that a big part of my anxiety disorder is these irrational fears that especially pop up in times of stress. I was stressed out. I'd broken up with my boyfriend of over a year less than a week before and to say that it had blindsided me would be an understatement. I was living on my own in a suburb of Chicago, far from the city I considered my home and the support system I'd built for myself there. To make matters worse, I hated my job. And perhaps it would be fair to say it hated me? I didn't fit in, didn't feel engaged, and couldn't figure out how to excel. It was a frustrating position for a Harvard grad like me to be in - I felt adrift and alone in a world in which I didn't know any of the rules.

But back to that morning.

I felt so paralyzed by fear that I wasn't comfortable driving. What if I threw up or passed out at the wheel? So I walked to a neighbor's apartment. I then spent hours pacing around his apartment, alternately talking and crying on the phone to my therapist. I had no faith in myself. I didn't trust myself at all. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't know what to do or how to fix it.

I'm pretty sure the friend had no idea what was going on with me. I felt well enough to go out with some friends to celebrate Halloween that night - I wanted to be around people - and a rumor started that I hadn't been sick that day at all. I even got in a lot of trouble with work over it. But I was sick. Really sick. Just in a way no one could see.

That was my rock bottom in my struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That was my rock bottom with life, and the break up, and my total lack of confidence.

In the years since, I've slowly and painstakingly crawled my way back. It hasn't happened alone. I am and will be eternally grateful to the friends and family who stood by me as I rediscovered myself and built my confidence back. It wasn't a linear path - there have been set backs, relapses, and steps backward. But I persevered.

I never thought that, five years later, I would be the Founder and President of two successful companies. I didn't think I'd have an office or employees or be my own boss. I thought I needed structure - that I couldn't be trusted to make decisions or take care of money or people.

I also never thought that, five years later, I would be living with, loving and being loved by, a different amazing guy who has stood by me through many of the ups and downs. His belief in me has helped me believe in myself.

And I was surprised then, and even sometimes still, at the incredible friends who were there, even when I wasn't at my best. They helped write lists, they took me to drinks, and to watch sports, and they listened. And we talked and ate and shopped. I am a better person for all of these people.

I suppose I have succeeded then, where I thought I had failed. Where I thought I would fail. And I see how far I've come and how I've turned into a strong independent woman.

I want people to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The key is to keep persevering and not give up. Failure was never an option for me - I wanted my life. I wanted to live the life that I was capable of. I didn't want regrets. When failure is not an option, you find a way to succeed.

Thank you again and a million times over to those who were there for me along the way. I couldn't have done it alone.

And to those struggling - there will be bad days and good days, but you are not, and never will be, alone.

Memories From the Corners of My Mind

Four and a half years ago, I wrote a blog post the night before I moved out of my old apartment in Schaumburg and moved into Chicago to start my new life. Three days later, my life as I knew it fell apart, one could say - I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half and my grandfather passed away a few days later. I've moved through the pain of that time period to capitalize on the excitement I felt back then and build a new life for myself. But, in all its irony, exactly four years and six months later, I moved out of the Wrigleyville apartment where I built that world - to move in with my amazing boyfriend and undertake a new set of risk and rewards. 

It is weird for me to sit on our couch and write this. I still feel like I'm just visiting. It is also weird for me to think of leaving behind the ups and downs of my old place - and the life I had before. I am so grateful to the many friends who passed through those doors and who were there for me through the ups and the downs. I'm sad about the people I've lost touch with. I remember the good memories from relationships, but I also remember so many of the bad - they still lurk in furniture and floor boards. Opening the door for him to leave the last time. Closing the door and beginning this incredible journey to a new and soooo much better, happier and healthier me. 

So I guess it's fitting then, that eventually I would need to say goodbye to the place. I would need to move to a new apartment, with actual water pressure and granite countertops and parking. I would need to take these steps to move forward with my life and to start (hopefully) building a new life with the man I love. It is good, I suppose, that I'm escaping the shadows. But it was also home. Hopefully I'll feel that way here soon too. 

Revelation After Today's Meeting

Life Support
Steve, Gordon, AliPam, Sue, hi, I'm AngelTom, Collins, I'm PaulLet's begin
There's only usThere's only this
"Sorry, excuse me, oops""And you are?""Oh, I'm not, I'm just here to, I don't have"I'm here with Mark, Mark, I'm Mark"
"Well, this is quite an operation""Sit down, MarkWe'll continue the affirmation"
Forget, regret or life is yours to miss
"Excuse me, PaulI'm having a problem with this, this credoMy T-cells are lowI regret that news, okay?"
"Alright""But Gordon, how do you feel today?""What do you mean?""How do you feel today?""Okay"
"Is that all""Best I've felt all year""Then why choose fear?"I'm a New Yorker""Fear's my life"
"Look, I find some of what you teach suspectBecause I'm used to relying on intellectBut I try to open up to what I don't know"
Because reason saysI should've died three years ago
No other roadNo other wayNo day but today

Read more: RENT - LIFE SUPPORT LYRICS 

What I Did For Love

RRS was and has been a huge part of my life – it’s responsible for many of my best friends, first loves, and heartbreaks of varying kinds. It was where I grew up. The Zombie Prom soundtrack is playing in the background as I write this.

But unlike many RRS alums, I am not pursuing a career in theatre, and I do not live in New York. For the last nearly five years, I’ve lived in Chicago, where I own and operate two companies in the digital marketing arena, Digital4Startups Inc. and DigitalGroundUp Inc.

While Chicago has been a great town for theatre, and I cannot gush enough about the Broadway in Chicago “season tickets” my boyfriend and I have had for the last two years (under $100 gets you tickets to 5-6 shows per season), RRS has also been a part of how I got my career to where it is.

RRS is where I developed and honed a lot of my work ethic. I used to run from lacrosse or fencing practice straight to rehearsals. I have been picked up at the airport, done my stage makeup in the car, and arrived at the Y in time for the second act. One show I juggled lacrosse tryouts, tech crew for a production at my high school and tech week at the same time. In college, I took the train down from Boston nearly every weekend to participate in the West Side Story Revival. And when I got my college acceptance letter, the first place I went was rehearsal.

You can say I was crazy. I was. But I did it all out of love. I did it because I wanted to. My parents were never involved with RRS, so it was always my own passion project. And through ups and downs, love and hate, successes and total heartbreaks, I worked really really hard.

In return, I’ve walked away with some of the most incredible friendships that mean everything to me.  I’m not nearly as naïve as I was before. I can multi-task. And I know what it means to work hard for something that you really want and are passionate about.

A year ago, I founded not one but two companies. DigitalGroundUp is an interactive technology platform designed to teach digital marketing. It’s not live yet, but it has already won a few awards. Digital4Startups is a digital marketing consulting agency, while I develop DigitalGroundUp. Juggling companies and juggling clients is like juggling shows and practices and homework. Some days it goes better than others. But if you work hard and stay true to yourself, I’ve found that at the end of the day, things just have a way of coming together.

“Gone,
Love is never gone.
As we travel on,
Love's what we'll remember.
Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for
Love” – A Chorus Line

The Importance of Female Role Models

About two years ago, my boss walked into the office on a cold February day wearing a long sleeve shirt and a bubbly down vest. While I'll admit the outfit was a bit on the casual side, I figured if she was wearing it, it must be ok. I went to the GAP and bought myself a similar vest. I wanted to emulate her.

Flash forward two years. I'm now a Female Founder, and while I wish both letters didn't have to be capitalized, sadly, they do. Today, wearing the same long sleeve shirt and vest combo she wore, I strode around my office confident. I made rapid fire decisions without looking back, wrote checks, and closed new business. I was closer to being that strong, (stylish), intelligent female leader I admired years ago.

The ironic thing is that on my way out of the office, I was stopped by two female colleagues who are in their early-mid twenties. "She's a FOUNDER," one told the other. And all of a sudden they started telling me how they wanted to be founders too, how they had a great idea, no capital, but the burning desire to start their own company. How there are extremely few women founders in our incubator, and how they were hoping I could help and give them guidance.

Two years ago I looked up to the woman in the vest. Today, these women were looking up to me.

To Graduate

On Tuesday, I graduated from The Founder Institute. To be a graduate again is wonderful and flattering, but it is also different. I don't know whether to say I've completed a Masters Degree or not. And despite all the flattering compliments and declarations of pride I've received, there is still the insecurity plaguing me about the craziness that is running a company.

An Internet is a public forum, so maybe I shouldn't say I'm not confident. But I've always tried to be honest with you readers, even on the difficult things, and this is one where I feel like it's an important aspect of my experience and my persona.

So yes, I am now a female entrepreneur and business owner. I own (and run) two companies. And the odd thing is realizing that I can do all that. That despite being 8-9 years younger than the average age of participants in the program, I still came out towards the top. I still have investors and a team behind me and all this support. My company is becoming a reality. I even have employees and a pay roll. It's important to remind yourself you have the confidence to do these things and be this person, because it's not like I ever wasn't or couldn't - and I know now that I can.

At the same time, it was helpful for me to get the practice and the feedback and the skills doing a program like the Founder Institute provided. At least I feel like I have a more solid grounding and some better and important connections that I did not previously have.

Nonetheless, I still find myself in this limbo. Was this really graduate school or just the beginning of the next chapter of my life? I guess only time will tell.

A Harvard Grad Heads To DC: I Matter

People travel to DC all the time, honestly. It's one of the most popular tourist destinations in the country and probably the world. I went for the first time with my grandparents for my seventh birthday. I remember the grandeur of the Washington Monument, the intricacy of the Vietnam Memorial, and the stories my grandfather told me about having attended Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream Speech." I left my teddy bear at home, so I remember traipsing through the streets late at night in search of a substitute bear, so I could sleep. That's how I got Clinton Jr. And I remember the dessert cart when we had dinner - I think it's still one of the only viennese tables I've encountered.

But when I went to DC last week, it wasn't about the sightseeing. Rather, my trip on March 14th was to live tweet the Official Arrival Ceremony of the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (and Northern Ireland), David Cameron, and his wife, Sarah, to the US for their Official State Visit. This meant that I would be on the South Lawn of the White House, and afterwards, that we would head to the Executive Office Building for a private briefing with members of the administration. It sounds like a mouthful, but the bottom line is that it was one of the coolest opportunities I could even imagine having the chance to experience.



As the sun rose over the capitol, my boyfriend, Derek, and I walked to the White House to line up for the ceremony. In line, we met a woman who had worked in DC since 1988, and had actually helped to organize aspects of the Prime Minister's trip. It was a good thing we had a friendly line companion, because the line was extremely long -- yet it moved quickly, and before long, we found ourselves being greeted with "Welcome to the White House!"



We then waited with the other guests for the ceremony to begin. Not knowing who else was involved in the Tweetup (or where the ceremony was going to take place), we just scrambled for a position where we thought we'd have the best view. I wish I were taller!



After a lot of patriotic music (a stirring version of "America the Beautiful" was one of my favorite parts), the ceremony finally began. The bands even began to play some of the same music over again while they waited for the Prime Minister to arrive. We got pictures of the Prime Minister's vehicle, and when the President was finally announced, one of the people next to us fainted. So much for that moment.



When the President and Prime Minister walked around to survey the troops, I was thrilled to see them come straight towards where we were standing (behind the Red Coats, I might add). I have followed politics for so long, it was amazing to finally see President Obama in person. Yes, I had been in Grant Park on Election Night in 2008, but there were so many people there, and we were so far from the stage, we didn't even know where the stage was. Now, he was right in front of me.



With speeches coming, Derek and I moved to the top of a small hill to the right of the cameras where we were able to see the podium as the President and Prime Minister gave their speeches. The speeches, I might add, were wonderful. President Obama's speech was great. I loved the allusions to The War of 1812 - "200 Years ago the British were here under different circumstances. They were a big hit. Really lit the place up!". Prime Minister Cameron then responded with "Now I can see your defenses have been shored up. Not taking any chances this time I see!"

But the meat of the speeches was a big part of why we were here, and it was nice to hear the President lay out what both of our countries stand for. The President spoke of the importance of allowing our country's citizens to live free from fear and the beliefs the US and the UK share in terms of the universal rights of all people, and the inherent dignity of all people.

After the speeches were over, Derek and I scrambled to take as many pictures on the White House grounds as we could before we had to clear the premises. The South Lawn was beautiful - the weather was perfect, and the cherry blossoms were in bloom.




Next we were invited to the Executive Office Building for a private briefing with administration officials. I was pleasantly surprised to meet with Dan Pfeiffer, the White House Director of Communications, Brian Deese, the Deputy Director of the National Economics Council, Caitilyn Hayden, The Deputy Director of Communications for the National Security Council, James Barbour, The Press Secretary of the British Embassy, Macon Phillips, the Director of Digital Strategy, Jon Carson, the Director of the Office of Public Engagement, and more. I was honored.



With only about 80 of us in attendance, it was easy to ask questions of the speakers. I enjoyed feeling like we were in a discussion and that my views were being heard.

Most of all though, I took away the feeling that I mattered.

Between "We the People," the White House's petition site, Twitter, and just getting to meet and talk with so many amazing people, I suddenly saw all the ways that I could interact with the government...and they were actually listening.

I've always wanted to make a difference and to have a tangible positive impact on the world around me. And back in middle school, I felt that by writing and becoming a journalist, I would have more of an effect on policy than I would if I went into student government. It's been over 13 years, and I'm still finding the same reality holds true. Governments, be they high school, college, city, state, or federal, are filled with layers and layers of bureaucracy and red tape. There is so much procedure it's often hard to get anything accomplished. But it's important to never forget the power of the citizen. By getting your voice heard, there's still a lot you can do. And it's always helpful to know that people are listening, reading, and thinking about what you've said.

In a way, I'd worked all my life to get to the White House - and I am honored that I could do it through journalism and social media.

I matter. We matter.

It's the little things.

There are strides of independence that it is surprisingly easy to forget. Coming home and cooking a legit dinner tonight... with my steak and fetucine alfredo finishing at the same time... it felt really good, really powerful, and really me.

From The Top Of The First Page

I just wanted to stop and take a moment to look back, because, while tonight has been a wonderful night, it's important for me to pause and remember where I was 2 years ago, arguably one of the lowest points of my life. This period, the end of February 2009, was in so many ways one of the hardest points for me. I lost my job, moved to a new city, broke up with my boyfriend and then lost my grandpa, one of the most important people in my life, all within the span of a few weeks.

Two years later, I write this as proof that there is light on the other side of the tunnel. I still look back on the moment when I met Roy at Caesar's in the pouring rain as one of the turning points -- the first sign of someone offering me a hand to pull me through the darkness. And I'm so grateful for my friends and my family. I know I've put some of them through a lot, but I really appreciate them being there for me and showing me the support and love that they have given.

At the same time though, the thing in the end that is both different and the same is me. I am in some ways the same person that I was. I find "ambitious" is the new "driven," and I'm still that driven/ambitious, bright, talented, smart, caring, passionate individual that I have always been. But my confidence has grown as I've realized that I can be independent. I have planted my feet firmly on the ground and they're not going anywhere. And I have an amazing life that I am thankful for every day that I have worked hard to achieve for myself.

I don't want to jinx anything or put additional pressure on myself to live up to any ideal. However, I do think that there is some truth to the characterization of us as strong Harvard women. We are a particular kind of human being. And we have a strength that sometimes even we forget we possess. Yet at the end of the day, it's that strength that pulls us through. I don't know if I'll ever forget the dark place I was in, but I suppose we all have baggage. I just keep going.

On Happiness

Do I really deserve to be happy? Do I actually get to be one of those people who has what they want in life and am happy with my life?

"Time is Fleeting. Madness Takes Its Toll"

Life's been pretty good recently, so why do I feel like I'm just bracing myself for things to get worse? Trying to focus on savoring the happiness... :)

Resolving to Change the Things I Cannot Change

I have a letter from my high school lacrosse coach that I keep next to my bed and read from time to time. It's a copy of the recommendation letter he sent to Harvard. In it, he says that I will never let anyone down, disappoint or embarrass them. But the more I think about it, the more I sometimes wonder whether that's really true.

I feel like I've lived my life trying to live up to other people's expectations. Only recently did I add in my own. And yes, I may be one of the most driven people others say they've ever met, but for what? And to what? And at what point do I have to say no, I'll just get in my own way?

I don't think you can change everything about a person. I think there are some things inherent that can't be changed. But when they're flaws and weaknesses and make you stand out, what then? I refuse to believe that I'm condemned for lack of perfection-- that the things I am afraid of or know to be weaknesses are curses that doom me to a certain existence or future. But if everything isn't malleable... then I wonder how to change my fate.

And in a way, I then wish I could be like all those other people who fit in and don't stand out. The normal ones, the popular ones.

But that never was me, and moving forward, I'm not sure if it ever could be.

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

As I reflect on life, I find myself coming to the same conclusion over and over again-- that friends are really one of the most important things in the world. Whenever anything else goes wrong in life, be it work, love, or family, they're the ones who are there for you and who love you no matter what-- like family, but a vast extensive network. It's something I find that I remind myself of often-- partly because I think I'm still in disbelief that it's really true, and partly because, when life gets tough, friends keep you going.

A Manifesto, Of Sorts

Contrary to what some people may think, I am distinctly not perfect. I have had knee, ankle, and heart problems, all by the time I was 20. I've struggled with my anxiety for years, though I'm learning to accept it as a part of me. I never went to public school, always had my house cleaned by our cleaning lady (Violet, then Anna), and have freckles and the occasional breakout. My hair takes around 24 hours to dry when wet, and while I own lots of makeup and I guess could spend a lot of time on my appearance, it's not something I choose to focus on. I'd rather sleep late than get up early to get ready. I've been collecting baseball cards since I was 5, and used to work backstage at rock concerts. In 7th grade, I befriended one of the deans for life after talking about the NCAA tournament with him for over an hour (and the respective strengths of UCONN vs UMASS vs Kentucky). My first time operating a light board was in the 5th grade. At one point, I'd also seen nearly every show playing on Broadway, and my family has season tickets to the Giants. Also in 5th grade, my dad yelled at me for getting an 86 on a science test. I graduated with honors and was nominated for the Hoopes Prize from Harvard, but I could've done better if I had really focused on academics. I was never a part of any sorority, and I don't think I've ever had a truly healthy relationship. I've been cheated on more times than I care to count, on top of everything else.

But these pieces, amongst others, all make up me. While I try not to talk about them and often pretend that they aren't there to the outside world, they are distinctly a part of who I am. In the end, I don't think all the little details matter. It's more "take me as I am or leave me." There are things in my life that I can't change and that I never had any control over. I just believe that the pieces all were put together to bring me to this point and to bring me to whatever comes next.

At the same time, when I look at the past, the details explain a lot of what has become the present. I = a combination of all the little things. A lot of them definitely left a mark. I just hope you can accept me in spite of some of the "flaws" or the ideosyncracies. I am unique, even when I try to be like everybody else. The quote, "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? " crosses my mind. All I want is acceptance. But if I can't get that, then at least I need to accept myself and continue to put the real complete me out there. And hope that's enough for you.

The Stuff We Leave Behind

One thing I both love and hate about being home is looking around my room. I feel like my room really tells me who I am. Having lived here my whole life, there's not much I can hide about who I am. Since I never throw anything out, I have so many pieces of my past here, even if they're pieces I may have forgotten.

I have my thousands of baseball cards, most of my artwork, my playbills from all of the RRS productions, autographed concert passes, my soccer and softball trophies, and a picture of me on the 8th grade bike trip, amongst others. It's nice, in a way, to be surrounded by me, but there's also something very scary and vulnerable about it-- when we leave home, we can create whomever we want to be and reinvent ourselves. We can live as that person for a long time. But eventually and inevitably, that person we've been since youth pops up somewhere. Going back here, I'm reminded of her. I'm still that person, and I'm not ashamed of that, but in a way, being here is proof of my life. It says, "This is me," loudly and clearly.