Starting Something New... Sorta

I've watched myself (and a lot of my friends) take some amazing risks this past year. One, which I would like to assist (hence this blog post), comes from my roommate as she prepares to launch her new website and begin teaching wedding dance lessons. And so, without further ado: Chicago Wedding Dance.

I should add that there are a few moments in the past week where I have stopped and remarked on how amazing it is that I'm finally getting paid to do the work that I'm doing. I used to do this stuff for free for my friends because I loved it. Now, I've been able to turn it into a career. It's wonderful.

On my ACL

I continue to be amazed by how one moment can change your entire life, without you ever predicting it or being able to go back. I'm not even necessarily talking about words heard or uttered, but rather about injuries.

I think back to my life before I tore my ACL and there is a before and an after. Literally in the moments leading up to my fall, my future included an amazing summer internship at NBC, a starting spot on the JV lacrosse team, and a ballroom competition with a wonderful partner. In one second and one "pop," all of those things vanished.

I often wish I could go back to being the person I was before. I miss the athlete in me, and I wonder if many other challenges, like my heart problems and the difficulty I had memorizing lines, came from that moment. Would I still be talking to the friends I lost during surgery and my recovery? Even now, I am still struggling with injuries that came from that one second in the billions of seconds that will make up my life. And I am still ashamed and embarrassed that I am and will be forced to chronically struggle with something so simple and from such a small time point in time.

In the days after the accident, I kept wishing I could go back and do it over and change that second. I kept wanting to take it back. It's four years later, and I still have the same thought.

Thinking about Grandma's House

I wrote a post about my grandmother (and grandfather)'s house for work today. It's interesting because I don't usually get emotionally affected by what I'm writing, but I totally teared up writing it, and had to pace myself so as not to get upset. It's amazing how many memories in our lives are tied to places. I'm including a link to the post here (more about the blog it's on later). I hope you all get a chance to read and enjoy.

Grandmas House and Reverse Mortgages

In the abyss

I feel like I am in a creative abyss. I went out to take out the trash and wound up trying to dance on my lawn in flip flops. First I tried to work on a routine I've been practicing, but then I decided I couldn't be confined by choreography and did some other things. I'm still searching for the routine that will make me feel better and feel complete as a dancer. Or the style of dance. So that after practice, I will feel spent and not want to keep dancing. Unless love as a dancer is this feeling I keep feeling where I want to dance always no matter what.

Thanking and remembering

"you'll find your place again here. i know it :):)"

I love my friends.

On Pain

Over the last year and a half or so, I've had an ongoing debate with certain people about how much darkness is in my life. The argument is that I am dark "pink." Many people don't believe I've ever really suffered or experienced any smattering of pain, suffering, and heartache. I sometimes end up in conversations that are simply people listing off all the bad things that have happened to them. It is not a competition.

But I have experienced a lot of pain. And when events like those of the past week occur, they remind me just how strong I am and how much I have been through. I could be utterly destroyed. I could see the world in shades of gray or covered with black. I am that hurt. I am that betrayed and distraught. But I don't choose to view things that way--I don't choose to view people that way. My dreams and aspirations are still the same as what they were before they were crushed. I still want the same things. And that's what explains the "pink," that's what gives me hope and keeps me going. My future and my end result is not dependent on a single event and will not be altered (if it's something I really want) by a single betrayal or even a series of them. I am sure of that and convinced of that because that is who I am. I don't let people get the better of me or derail me from my dreams.

So I haven't given up on love or dreams just because of all the heartaches that have happened along the road. And I never will. But just because I don't cry or see a dark and ashy world doesn't mean I haven't experienced pain. It doesn't mean it doesn't feel like the world is crashing down. It doesn't mean that my heart isn't broken. Just means I'm stronger than that.

Stop All the World Now

I've been so busy recently, I've fallen behind on my correspondence. I'm surprised that nights can go by now where I'm not all over iChat or gChat or AIM. I'll be out and then I'll come home exhausted. I've had less time to return emails and phone calls. It's weird because it's not really me. I'm not flaky and generally very reliable, responsible, and on top of things. But so much has been going on recently, I keep falling behind.

It's hard because my friends are one of the most important things in the world to me. I would not be where I am without them and all the strength and support they've given me. I hope that as I vanish in and out of the world these next few weeks, I won't lose or damage the amazing friendships that I am so grateful to be slowly building.

And maybe eventually, I'll get this balancing act down right and have time for everything and everyone. :) Or so I hope.