A Manifesto, Of Sorts

Contrary to what some people may think, I am distinctly not perfect. I have had knee, ankle, and heart problems, all by the time I was 20. I've struggled with my anxiety for years, though I'm learning to accept it as a part of me. I never went to public school, always had my house cleaned by our cleaning lady (Violet, then Anna), and have freckles and the occasional breakout. My hair takes around 24 hours to dry when wet, and while I own lots of makeup and I guess could spend a lot of time on my appearance, it's not something I choose to focus on. I'd rather sleep late than get up early to get ready. I've been collecting baseball cards since I was 5, and used to work backstage at rock concerts. In 7th grade, I befriended one of the deans for life after talking about the NCAA tournament with him for over an hour (and the respective strengths of UCONN vs UMASS vs Kentucky). My first time operating a light board was in the 5th grade. At one point, I'd also seen nearly every show playing on Broadway, and my family has season tickets to the Giants. Also in 5th grade, my dad yelled at me for getting an 86 on a science test. I graduated with honors and was nominated for the Hoopes Prize from Harvard, but I could've done better if I had really focused on academics. I was never a part of any sorority, and I don't think I've ever had a truly healthy relationship. I've been cheated on more times than I care to count, on top of everything else.

But these pieces, amongst others, all make up me. While I try not to talk about them and often pretend that they aren't there to the outside world, they are distinctly a part of who I am. In the end, I don't think all the little details matter. It's more "take me as I am or leave me." There are things in my life that I can't change and that I never had any control over. I just believe that the pieces all were put together to bring me to this point and to bring me to whatever comes next.

At the same time, when I look at the past, the details explain a lot of what has become the present. I = a combination of all the little things. A lot of them definitely left a mark. I just hope you can accept me in spite of some of the "flaws" or the ideosyncracies. I am unique, even when I try to be like everybody else. The quote, "Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? " crosses my mind. All I want is acceptance. But if I can't get that, then at least I need to accept myself and continue to put the real complete me out there. And hope that's enough for you.